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| Baby to come later that night... |
On New Year's Day I decided that I was ready to have this baby and every day after seemed to drag on as I waited for contractions to start. I tried to stay busy, but it was hard to get around much and I had already done everything on my to-do list. I was just waiting and was worse than a small child waiting for Christmas morning. Finally on that Saturday I was reading some articles online and came across one about waiting and how waiting for the baby is a stage of labor. I finally decided that day that I didn't have control over the situation and that I was fine with the baby coming whenever he decided to come. Doug had to work that morning and I finished a puzzle that had been keeping me busy for a few days. We got ready and headed to Panora where Doug went to a pond hockey party and I was able to go to school with my mom to look through some of her things. I had a few contractions while we were at her school, but nothing regular or too intense. We ate some potato soup for dinner at my mom's and then decided to head home. Usually we stay and hang out for a while, but on this night we decided just to head home. I drove Doug's truck home, because on the way out Carly Moe kept climbing all over my stomach and it was so uncomfortable.
I parked the truck in the driveway, and Doug got in to pull it into the garage (he didn't trust me to do it). I went in and let Carly outside. I realized I needed to use the restroom and ran straight there where my water broke. I yelled for Doug and told him what I thought happened. He asked if I was sure and I said, "Yea, pretty sure." We both just kind of laughed, saying "We are going to have a baby in the next 24 hours" and "I'm so excited, we get to meet our baby." We were also a little worried, and I even remember saying, "I hope I don't have to have pitocin because I haven't started contractions."
I called our on-call Doula and Tiff answered the phone. I let her know what happened and she suggested laying down to get some rest and wait for contractions to start. This was around 7:30 p.m. on Saturday, January 4th. I went upstairs and got comfy while we were watching T.V. and within ten minutes my contractions started and they were coming every 2-3 minutes. I would tell Doug when one would start and he would look at the clock and write it down (I couldn't see the clock from where I was laying). In the beginning he wasn't keeping track, but as I kept saying I was having another one I think he got a little worried. I kept asking how long it had been in between contractions, and he wouldn't tell me. I knew they were close, but didn't realize they were that close. It was impossible to sleep between contractions because they were so close together. After a few more we talked about how close they were and if we should be heading to the hospital sooner rather than later. We decided to wait until 9:00 before doing anything so Doug kept writing down my contractions and I tried to rest (although that was pretty impossible). At 9 my contractions were consistently coming 2 to 3 minutes apart so I called the on-call Midwife (Sea was on call) and she said that I needed to come to the hospital by 10:30. We called Tiff back to let her know we were going to be leaving around 9:30 to head to the hospital because my contractions were so close.
The car ride to the hospital was like torture. I couldn't get into a comfortable position to work through the contractions and every bump and turn seemed to make it worse. We arrived at the hospital and met Tiff in the lobby as we were walking in. We were set up in triage, where the nurses weren't very nice! I was checked at was only at a 1-2 cm and 90% effaced. I was devastated, but stayed positive. I really thought I was going to have a fast labor like my mom's (who had a 2 hour labor), because my contractions were so close together so quickly. They got us set up in a room and the next few hours were spent sitting on the birth ball, walking the halls, or leaning over the bed and rocking. Sea, our midwife, checked me at 2:00 and I was at a 3 cm. I tried to get some rest from about 5-6:30 and I was in the bed and all I remember is literally seeing the clock every 4 minutes as I would have a contraction. Needless to say I didn't get much rest in between contractions. She checked me again at 6:30 and I was at a 4. It was somewhat frustrating because I felt like I was really working through some intense contractions and then to only be at a 4. I got in the tub (which was amazing), but this ended up slowing down my contractions.
Susan came on call at 7:00 and it was a definitely a God thing :-) Earlier when I met Susan I remember thinking she was a little scatter-brained, and was worried she might be the one to deliver. I mentioned it to the Doulas throughout the pregnancy and they always reassured me that she was great and was really the most "natural-minded" of the midwives. I couldn't have been more thrilled that Susan was the one there. She would baby me when I needed it, but was also very honest with me when we reached some complications. Susan checked me again at 10 a.m. and found that I was still at 4 cm. At this point she suggested pitocin to get my contractions really going and progress more. I was hesitant and didn't want to, but knew I didn't have any other option. I broke down crying, because more than anything I wanted a natural birth and this was the start of interventions. After talking with Doug and Tiff we decided it would be best to get the labor moving along. I got on board and was really positive that this was going to help speed up the process and that I would be getting to meet my little baby soon. Susan said that she would check me again at 12:30 and so now I had a goal in mind. Tiff talked with me about how my contractions would get even more intense and that I needed to really focus on my breathing. I was determined to work through them.
We spent the next two hours on the birth ball and walking the halls. I remember just walking through the contractions and having Doug and Tiff put counter pressure on my low back. I would walk around and around those halls, with my eyes closed most of the time, always thinking positive thoughts. I knew this was going to work and that we would be meeting the baby soon. At 12:30 I was checked again and was at 6-7 cm. This was such a rewarding thing to hear and so we set another goal of another 2 hours and I knew that when I got checked again at 2:30 p.m. that I would be ready to push. We continued walking the halls and trying other positions to work through the contractions.
Right before I was checked I had some of the worst contractions yet. I really had to focus on working through them, but they were getting intense. I remember thinking that I had to be getting close. I was sure that they would check me and tell me I could start pushing. I remember saying that I just couldn't do much more of this. I was checked again and was at an 8 which was again frustrating, because I wasn't sure I could get through another 2 cm. with pain like this. Susan suggested I get in the tub again, but I was nervous that it would slow my contractions like it had done that morning. I went ahead and got in and it felt great for awhile, but then all of a sudden my contractions were unbearable in that position. I got out and was checked and found that I was at a 9. I was so excited, but so exhausted. They started talking to me about using Fentanyl to take the edge off my intense contractions and possibly getting some sleep. They were really worried I wouldn't have the energy to push. We discussed how big they thought the baby was and said that I would probably be pushing for 2-3 hours to get it out. The idea of that exhausted me even more. I broke down again, because this was not what I wanted, but I didn't see any other option. I went ahead and got a dose of Fentanyl and they said it would work within 2-3 minutes. After 15 minutes of intense contractions I was sure that it was not going to work. It kicked in with a vengeance and I was able to get some sleep for about 45 minutes. After the 45 minutes I got another dose of Fentanyl and they talked to me about getting an epidural. At this point I had been in labor for 24 hours and was still not completely dilated. They were really worried that I would be too tired to push and so after many tears and prayers we decided that the epidural would help keep me from having a C-section. I decided that it was what needed to happen in order for me to have a vaginal birth.
The doctor came in to give me the epidural and was shocked that I had labored to a 9 for 24 hours before getting an epidural. He said I was definitely not the norm! As the procedure was happening Doug had to sit in the corner of the room where he looked worried. I told him not to worry about me, I wasn't in pain and I was really at peace with the decision. He was just worried about me and the fact that we had worked so hard to not get to this point (of not using these interventions). Our amazing Doula reassured us that these interventions are important for times like this and that we were doing what was best for our baby and situation. I got the epidural around 6:00 p.m. and was able to sleep for a couple of hours. I was ready to push around 8:45 and starting pushing with my nurse around 9:20 p.m.
The nurse I had wasn't very positive and kept making some negative comments about how this was going to take awhile because I had such a big baby and I got really frustrated. I decided to wait to continue pushing until Susan (our midwife) came. Once Susan came I was able to push in some different positions, but because of the epidural I had to stay pretty flat (on my back or sides). They turned off the epidural and set up the squat bar so that I could get vertical to push. Susan left to go check on another mom and I continued pushing. My doula noticed that they head was coming out and so she told me to stop so they could get the delivery team back in. Susan rushed back in and within minutes the head was out. Not knowing what was happening, I continued to push through contractions.
It all happened so fast, only a few pushes and Susan was pulling on baby's head. They placed the baby on my stomach and I remember looking at Doug and then the baby. I remember the baby's head being really misshapen and it's body limp. Susan instantly cut the cord and the baby was whisked away to the table in the corner of the room. As baby was lifted away from Doug and I we both saw at the same time it was a boy. We turned to each other and cried. I remember saying, "Camber, we love you."
Susan looked at me and told me they had to call a code pink and that a lot of people would be coming into my room to take care of the baby. Doug looked at me and said, "What do I do?" I instantly replied, "Go with him; I'll be fine." Doug went over to the corner of our room where they were working on baby! I would see glimpses of him, but never got a good look. I would turn to Tiff and beg her to tell me what was going on. After a few more complications with me they got me taken care of.
During all of this tons (30-50 people) came into our room some to help me, but mostly for Camber. I remember nurses coming over to me to briefly update me on what was going on, but not really telling me anything. The look on Doug’s face was that of pure torture. He had to watch the things they were doing to our son and listen to me bawl, because I was so scared. They instructed Doug to hold his hand because he was so strong that he kept pulling at the cords they were trying to put in him. After a little while they were getting ready to transport him. Tiff took my phone and took a few pictures of him so I could see them while he was gone. They rolled him to me so I could see him before they left. Dr. Bzdega came over and introduced herself to me (as the Dr. no one ever wants to meet) and updated me on how Camber was doing. She sounded very positive, but it was so overwhelming after the last few days we had been through. Doug went with him and as fast as my room had been filled with people it was empty.
At one point I couldn’t stop bawling and for an instant I
let my mind wonder to the worst. After
that I wouldn’t let myself go back to that point, because I couldn’t handle the
thought of the worst. I called my mom
and begged her to hurry. Tiff waited with me until my mom and Mark got
there.
While sitting and waiting there were nurses and Tiff in the
room with me helping me get comfortable and set up on the breast pump so that I
could begin pumping breast milk right away.
The feeling in the room was one of emptiness. My heart was gone. This baby that had been
inside of me for so long was not only on the outside of me, but was gone from
the same room as me. Doug texted me a
couple of times to tell me things like his weight and height. My mom arrived around 1:00 and Tiff
left. Around 1:45 I was able to go up
and see Camber. Doug came back just
before that and updated me a little bit.
I was put in a wheel chair and rolled up to his bedside where he was
covered in traces of blood, wires, and cords.
He had an oxygen mask in his little nose, an IV in his hand with a cast
holding it in.
I was able to hold him for a few minutes that night and all
felt right in the world when he was in my arms.
Putting him back in that bed and leaving him was one of the worst
feelings in the world. He was supposed
to be with me, supposed to be in the same room as me, supposed to be able to
breastfeed when he wanted…it was not supposed to be like this.
The last 28 hours had been nothing like I had expected them to be or planned for. I knew it wouldn't go exactly as I had envisioned it, but no one could have told me it would be like that. Having my son in the NICU was the scariest thing I have ever gone through. Through my entire labor and delivery my faith and positivity were strong. At one point during some really intense contractions I was listening to a Christian station on Pandora and three songs came on about faith, strength, and miracles and they were just so perfect. I knew it was God letting me know he was there to support us the whole way.
I will write more about our experience after labor and delivery in the NICU, but this post is getting extremely long. Many thanks to my amazing husband for being there the entire time, never complaining about how bad his feet hurt or how tired he was. He held countless heating packs on my back, walked the halls for hours, and was always encouraging and supportive. The look on his face when our baby was placed on my tummy is forever etched into my mind and the love that poured from his eyes during those first few minutes of Camber's life lets me know that Doug will be the most amazing father to our son.
One last thanks to our amazing Doula, Tiff. I can't imagine going through this experience without her. She was an angel during this experience and I am forever grateful that she was a part of the most important event in our lives.
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| Camber just 2 1/2 hours old |
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| Mommy got to hold him that first night |
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| Camber 10 hours old |
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| First Family Picture |
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