We spent a week in the NICU, which was full of emotions. It was a place that I didn't know much about before our time spent there; a place I never expected having to spend a week. We rode the roller coaster of emotions day after day waiting for our little man to be ready to come home. It was one of the hardest weeks of our lives and I am so grateful that Doug was able to be there the entire time.
When I delivered Camber he had what's called shoulder dystocia which means that he got stuck when he was coming out, the umbilical cord was also wrapped around his neck. When they put him on my stomach he was limp and not breathing. In the beginning they had to bag him, but his heart rate was always strong. They thought he had a fractured skull which would lead to seizures. He also had to be treated for infection (fluid in his lungs, what they thought was pneumonia). They also were worried he had a broken collar bone. Dr. Bzdega met with me before transporting him to let me know all of these things.
After my two-hour required recovery I was able to go up and see Camber in the NICU. My mom and Mark were still there as well and went with us. He was no longer intubated, but he did have oxygen in his little nose. He had an IV in his hand held in by a cast. He was on a special bed that regulated his body temperature. He had sensors all over that were constantly monitoring his vital signs. I was able to hold him for a few minutes and I remember how perfect he felt in my arms. I was always so excited to hold my baby; I had always been a "baby" person and was never nervous to hold little ones, but with all the cords and wires I was a little nervous I was going to "break" something.
Around 3 a.m. Doug and I headed back to my room in the Maternity Center where we were able to talk a little bit about the last few days before getting a few hours of sleep. At this point I had been up for about 46 hours. I had said that I had never pulled an "all-nighter" before, not even in college, but he was definitely worth it. It was the start of all our sleep deprived nights.
About 7 the next morning I got up, showered (which felt so good), and got ready to go up and spend the day with Camber. Monday was spent with many visitors and so much walking between the NICU and maternity center (where I had to go back to every few hours to pump). Camber was very over-stimulated with all the company by the end of the day. Again it was horrible to leave him there late that night to go back to our room to sleep. I remember walking back to our room and looking in the nursery on the maternity floor where many babies were sleeping in their cribs. I was so mad, saying that if I had my baby with me I wouldn't have sent him to the nursery. I thought it was unfair that we had to go through what we were dealing with. I had also had a nurse up in the NICU say some mean things to me and I was really overwhelmed by the entire situation. It was hard for me to "give-up" on the experience I had wanted. I had always envisioned people being able to come see our little one and getting to hold him when they visited and it was hard to tell people not to come or that they couldn't stay long because of our new situation. We went to bed that night at 12 and got up early again to get ready to go hang out with Camber.
Each day were were updated with his condition and how he was doing. I was discharged on Tuesday, so we hung out in the NICU all day, went back to my room for dinner, and packed our bags. We had decided that we were going to hang out with Camber until late and then head home to sleep in our bed and get up early to come back in the morning. We decided not to stay at the NICU because I wasn't able to feed him (they weren't feeding him anything except IV fluids because they wanted to make sure his tummy, kidneys, and liver could handle it before adding food). On Tuesday they started giving him TPN (total protein nutrition???) through his IV, but I wasn't able to breastfeed until Wednesday.
We said good-bye to our little man and carried our things out the car. As I got in Doug was already so upset which instantly made me cry. As we drove out of the parking lot all I could think was that we were forgetting something and we were! My heart literally felt like it was being ripped from my body. It was just a feeling of such emptiness. We just didn't understand why this was happening to us; we were so sad to leave our little baby at the hospital as we went home. For months we had been envisioning our ride home from the hospital and never once did I think it would be without our baby.
On Wednesday I was able to nurse for the first time and then he was put on an "on-demand feeding schedule." We didn't think I would be able to nurse him this soon, so we went home showered and got clothes to stay. We then stayed at the NICU until we were discharged on Sunday (going home only once more on Friday to get more clothes and shower).
Time in the NICU was hard. There were times we were excited because the Doctors and Nurses would come around and talk about how great he was doing, which was so reassuring and we were so excited to be able to take him home. But then there times that I would get overwhelmed with having to be there. I hated watching them poke and prod at my son! They inserted a PICC line, a special IV that would be more efficient at giving him medicine, and it was just torture to see him scared and in pain. They made him cry all the time because of all the things they constantly had to do to him and it was horrible knowing that I couldn't do anything to comfort him.
Because he was connected to so many cords and wires you couldn't stand or sit more than two feet from his bed. So when he was crying you couldn't do much to comfort him and sitting to nurse him was such a struggle each time because of all the wires and cords.
As I would pass other moms in the halls of the NICU we all had that same sad look on our face, one that we all understood. We would give each other that small, sympathetic smile hoping and praying that their situation was any worse than ours.
Most of our nurses were absolutely wonderful. Ruth was our favorite as she was the first
one to help us hold our baby, change his diaper, and taught us how to take his
temperature. She would come and check on
us even when she wasn’t our assigned nurse.
During our time in the NICU Camber was always describes as a “big
boy.” They are used to seeing much
smaller babies. All the doctors and
nurses that worked with him were shocked by how strong he was. Camber didn’t like anyone messing with him
and would scream at just having his diaper changed. He was never sure what they
were going to do to him and was described as “the complainer,” “a raging
lunatic,” and “a road side bomb (never sure when he was going to go off).” These were not taken as mean things, they
continued to say that the vocal kids in the NICU were the ones that were
getting stronger and better and would soon be going home.
Finally on Sunday we were able to take our little guy home and as the pulled off the last cord from his body I remember the freeing feeling I felt for him. We could finally walk around with our baby boy; he was finally free from the living hell he had known his whole life in this world. I was ready to show him that life was more than cords, wires, beeping machines, and pain. I was ready to take him home and cuddle him.
Many moms talk about the feelings of defeat they feel when they end up having to have a C-section when the wanted to have a natural childbirth. They somehow feel they failed. I had those same feelings about our labor and delivery and then again about the time in the NICU. I felt jipped out of a week of our son's life. Through lots of prayer I have gotten over those feelings, because I still have a healthy and happy baby boy that is all mine (and Doug's too -I guess I'll share).
Of all the scary things they listed off that night he was born that might be wrong with him, absolutely nothing still impacts him today. Obviously he wasn't breathing when he was born and we are so grateful for the doctors and nurses who worked so fast to save our son! They ended up not really knowing what infection he had, but gave the antibiotics as a precaution. He had an ultrasound on his head and it wasn't a fractured skull and his head is absolutely perfect. He doesn't have a broken collar bone or seizures. He is truly perfect!
